BLAHBLAH BLAH+ ONE FREEBIE

February 24, 2011

A COLUM FROM OFFISIAL D&D IS HERE FROM MARK MEARLS WHICH IS GOOD. BASICALLY HE SAYS OLD SCHOOL DUNGEONS & D IS THE SAME AS 4TH D&D AND STUFF INBETWEEN AND SHOULD WE SHOULD AND WE SHOULD GET ALONG BECAUSE WE ARE GARY GYGAX FAMILY. IT IS NICE TO SEE SOME-ONEWHO IS TRY TO BRING US ALL TO GETHER AND IS NOT AFRAID TO MAKE A BRIDGE……………………….NO WAIT I EMAN FUCK YOU!!! PSYCHED OUT!!

       AHAHAAHAHA A JOESKY TRICK!!!! YOU THOGHT I LIKE, BUT, THE COLUM IS HORSESHIT!!!!!!!!!!!11 SORRY MYLITTELPONY FACTORY, YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH CARCOSA……..BECAUSE OF LETTERS D AND FANCY & SIGN AND ANOTHER LETTER D????!?!?!!!?/ NO WAY DICKWAD, 4TH DUNGEON EDITION IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT BELONGS TO YOU AND PLANET ALGOL IS BEOLNGED TO OVER HEAR AND YOU CAN KEEP DRAGONBRED RACE AND THEN STONEHELL IS FOR HERE, OKAY YOU KEEP 50 HIT POINT AT 1ST LEVEL BUT THE PORNO STARS COME WITH US!!!!!! INO IT SUCKS TO BE THE STUFFY SUTE THAT WATCH FROM THE IVORY TOWER WHEN FERRIS BUHLER DANCES AND BONES THE HOT CHICK (WHAT HAPINED TO HER SHE IS THE HOTTEST CHICK EVER?????????!?!?!? SERIOUSLY SOME -ONE FIND THAT GIRL AND SEND HE HERE) , BUT YOU CHOOSED THIS!!!1 DID YOUR STUFF EVER SHOW UP ON THE UNDERDARK GAZINE? OKAY SORRY THEN, YOU ARE NOT WITH THE COOL KIDS.

SO WEAR IS THE HOPE FOR YOU……………………………..AN EASY FIX……………….. QUIT AND JOINUS! NOT SO EASY BECAUSE THE CUSHY JOB IS GONE BUTT THE FUN IS MORE: TARE OFF PANTS PANTS, TAKE A DUMP ON OPTIMUST PRIME STATUE, WIPE ASS WITH MAGIC CARDS, AND A CONAN SHOUT OF ‘EAT MY BALLS!!?” WHEN YOU RUN OUT THE DOOR! THEN LAY LOW AND PROBALY MOVE AWAY BECAUSE THE POLICE WILL COME SOON :(

AND MAKE THE MARK MEARLS COMPANY OR JOIN BRAVE HOBBIT OR MASYBE A PARTNER BOOK WITH JIM FIREPRINCESS. AND ALSO A REAL JOB ON TOP OF THAT BECAUSE THERE’S IS NO MONEY HEAR, BUT IT FEELS MUCH BETTER TO PLAY WHEN THE GAME IS THE ESCAPE FROM SHITTY WORKK AND NOT THE THE SHITTY WORK YOU HAVE TO DO FOR WORK.. BUT WHEN YOUR BOOK COMES OUT I WILL BE REDY WITH $10 FOR THE PDF AND ALOTS OTHERS WIILTO SO I HOPE YOU COME TO JOIN US!!!!

H SOME OF THEM SAY A TTITUDE LIKE THIS MEANS A SMALL GAME GETS TINYER BUT I DONT CARE? AND I JUST SAY SO WHAT? THEIR LOTS OF YOUNG PEOPLE AROUND PLAYING D&D LIKE ODYSEY, AND I THINK CYLOPATRONS NEICE OR SOMETHING AND JAMESNARDIAS KIDS AND CHRISTIANS KIDS SO D&D WILL BE AROUND UNTIL I DEAD AND THEN IT WILL KEE PGOING MORE…………. AND WHEN I DEAD I WILL GO TO HEAVIN HAPPY TO MEET ST. CUTHBERT AND HE’LL WILL STICK HIS HAND OUT FOR A WELCOME SHAKE AND THAT IS WHEN I STAB HIM IN THE FASE AND LAUGHING AS HIS STUFF IS TAKE BY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HAHAHAHAHA ANOTHER JOESKY TRICK, CUTHBERT!!!

SHIT………………… ALOT OF BLAHBLAH BLAH FOR THE TIME FIRST IN A LONG TIME. SO HERE IS A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE DMS. ALL THE PLAYER WANTY PLATE-MAIL BUT I THINK THATS NOT REALLY FOR DUNGEONS……………………SO WARN THEM THAT YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STUPID PLATE-MAIL, BUT SOMETIMES (ONCE A SESSION?.) I WILL ROLL ON THE PLATEM-AIL FUCKUP TABLE, LIKE AFTER YOU FALL IN A PIT OR GET LOTS OF WET, OR IF A

PLATE-MAIL FUCKUP TABLE – ROLL 1 12 SIDE 1D12 (1-12)

1-6. NOT TO BAD…… A LITTLE KINK MAKES IT TOGUH TO MOVE, TAKE OUT THE LITTLE PLATE FOR A -2 AC PENALTY OR ALWAYS ATTACK LAST IN ROUND – FIX AT BLACKSMITH FOR $50GP

7. A COUPLE BUCKLES POPPED AND A JOINT IS STUCK SO THE RATTLE IS LOUD – ROLL RANDOM MONSTER TWICE AS MUCH – FIX FOR 100GP

9) BAD CHAFFING PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!1 LOSE 1HP EVERY HOUR YOU WEAR STILL THE ARMOR. CANNOT BE FIX.

8. SWEAT, BLOOD + BAD ADVENUTRE HYJEAN= DUNGEON FUNK INFESTATION. PLATE-MAIL IS LOUSY WITH (1D6): 1. MINI-SHRIEKERS 2. YELLOW MODL 3. BLACK PUDDING 4. LEPRECAUNS // EACH MONSTER ATTACKS AS NORMAL NUTIL YOU GET THE ARMOR OFF (1-4 ROUNDS), CAN’T WEAR AGAIN UNTIL YOU CLEAN IT GOOD

10. YOU TAKE NEXT STEP, THER IS A CREEKING SOUND AND THEN THE PLATE-MAIL COMES APART AT EVERY SEEM WITH CRASH TO FLOOR, SHOWING THAT YOU HAVE ON RED JAMMIES WITH CARTOON HILLBILLY BUTT-FLAP ON UNDERNEATH. ARMOR RUINED AND HENCHMAN MORALE DROPS IN HALF. GUESS WHAT? ARMOR IS SCRAP METAL.

11. FROZEN!!!!!!!!11 EVERY JOINT STUCK AND YOU WILL NEEDS FRIENDS TO HELP YOU OUT, IT TAKES 1 TURN AND COSTS THREE WANDER MONSTER ROLLS FROM NOISE. ARMOR RUINED.

12 NEXT MAGIC ATTACK LEEKS RAW MAGIC INTO ARMOR – PLATE-MAIL COMES ALIVE AND RUNS AWAY WITH (YOU IN IT!!!) FOR 1000′ AT 18” SPEED. IT SEEMS TO NOW WHERE IT ‘S GOING BECAUSE IT WILL HEAD FOR NEAREST STAIRS DOWN TO LOWER LEVEL

17 Responses to “BLAHBLAH BLAH+ ONE FREEBIE”

  1. Erin Says:

    Nothing worse than mini-shriekers. Except, maybe being Cuthbert.

  2. Jeff Rients Says:

    That is a sweet-ass chart.

  3. James Says:

    # 12 is my favorite.:) Thanks for mentioning the Gazine!

  4. Dr Rotwang! Says:

    Dude, I’m already infested with leprechauns.

  5. Orion Cooper Says:

    Sir, if the internet was mine to give, I’d give to you as a prize.


  6. I once again have faith in humanity.

  7. Higgipedia Says:

    Magnificent…. I’m still chuckling over “You keep 50 HP at first level, the porno stars come with US!”

  8. Vin Says:

    Best post on Mearls’ soap-up by a mile.

    & the table is sweet.

  9. Tedankhamen Says:

    Brilliant as ever. Joesky is the Dr. Jekyll to Dunegonsuck’s Mr. Hyde.

  10. Jack Colby Says:

    I agree completely… she is the hottest chick ever! Um, I mean… great article! But you can come clean, you’re really Mike Mearls blogging under a pseudonym, right?

  11. The Marg Says:

    Hysterical.

    For your delectation, Mia Sara of Ferris Bueller dance and bone fame:

    http://www.henson.com/jimsredbook/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Labyrinth_5692_Mia-Sara-Head-Shot.jpg

  12. Zak S Says:

    @world

    Okay, you can keep whatever dumb idea you had this week, but Joesky is with us.*

    *(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

  13. kelvingreen Says:

    Wise words as ever Joesky, but what did Optimus Prime ever do to you, man?

  14. rogercarbol Says:

    My favourite is #9. Who doesn’t want to lose a character to fatal chaffing?

  15. 1d30 Says:

    Plus platemail is heavy, makes it hard to dodge the lightning bolt, gets rusty, and is really loud. Maybe extra wandering monster checks? Or just higher chance on each check?

    And what if a red dragon wants roasted meat in a metal dish? It’s the platemail guy every single time. You can’t roast meat in a leather dish, it just doesn’t work. The leather burns up and the meat falls all over the floor.

    Enemy knights on the way to the tournament will challenge you to a joust, and you better have something better than a dungeon donkey and a 10′ pole or he will mop the glade with your butt and then break your shield in two pieces over your head. 70% chance of laughing as he rides away (embarassment, ladies no longer interested).

    Also can’t reach everything as easy, so if someone backstabs you with a poison knife you just have to scamper around howling because you sure can’t pull it out yourself! If a sucking worm-monster creep attaches to your butt you can’t reach it with both hands! Takes forever to take the armor off and put it back on too, so when (not if!) the green slime drops on your armor for a surprise it’s gonna eat all the way through and turn your organs into lime jelly. All you gotta do to take off chainmail is turn kinda upside down and make a body motion like a cat puking, and it’s off!

  16. max charisma Says:

    The Mearls column is obviously doing market research. OSR edition warriors should get out and vote so maybe 5th edition wont suck as much as 3rd and 4th.

  17. sniderman Says:

    Just discovered Joesky today. Holy Hell, this blog just drips of genius. +1 buhzillion Internets to you.


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