HEARS YOUR STINKNING BARBARIAN

April 9, 2012

I WRITED THIS UP FOR A WHALE AGO BUT HEAR IT IS NOW……………………………………..A CARICTAR CLASS FOR D&D GAMES::

THE CALM BEFROE THE EYE OF THE HURRICAINT

THE BARBARIA

N

WE KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM—–PARTS UNKNOWN OR “BEYOND THE RIVER” OR A SAVAGE LAND OF FAR AWAY.

THE 1ST THING TO KNOW OF A BRABARIAN IS THEY HAVE NO ALINEMENT. A BARBARIAN HAS ONLY TWO SETTING: “HATE” AND “OKAY FOR NOW”. THE BARBARIAN HATES 99.999999999999999999999999999999% PERCENT OF STUFF, AND THE REST OF ITALL IS OKAY FOR NOW, BUT CHECK AGAIN IN A LITTELW HILE AND HE MIGHT HATE IT.

RANDOM BARBARIAN REACTION TABLE (1D100): ROLL FOR WHEN YOUWANT TO NOW WHAT HE IS THINKING:

1-22 HATE

23 OKAY FOR NOW

24-100 HATE

MOST BARBARIANS ARE DUDES- A GIRL CAN BE A BARBARIAIN AS LONG AS SHE HAS A PENUS. THEY ARE ALL HUMANS.

CLASS REQIREMENTS: 16STR, LESS THAN 9 FOR INT & WISDOM, 16CON

HIT DICE: 1D12

MAX LEVEL: FOREVER

XP   LEVEL  TITLE   HD

0        1      SAVIGE 1D12

3000   2      BRUTE 2D12

6000   3     MEAN SONOFABITCH 3D12

12000 4 BASTARD PRICK 4D12

25000 5 FASESTABBER 5D12

5000   6 BLOODBATHER 6

120000 7 APOCALYPTO 7D12

250000 8 PRINSE OF DESTRUCTION 8D12

450000 9 INSANE 9D12

650000 10 BARBARIAN KING 10D12

AFTER THIS JUST DOUBEL EVERYTHING, SO 11 LEVEL TAKES 1300000 POINTSXP AND IS CALLED A DOUBEL SAVIGE BUT THE HP ONLY GETS +3

SAVING THROWS

BREATHING POISON/DEATH PARA. WAND SPELLS

LVL.1-3 13           10                 14       13       18

4-6         11           8                  12       11       14

7-9         9             6                 10         9        10

10+        2             2                   2           2        3

GETOUT OF HEAR HOGAN THIS IS BARABARIANS ONLY!!!!!!1

SPECIAL ABILITYIES

KILLERS: ALL BARABRAIANS GET +1TOHIT/+1DAMAGE NO MATTER WHAT, PLUS THERE ANY OTHER BONUS – IF YOU ROLL A 20 TO HIT, ROLL 1D20 AGAIN AND IG YOU ROLL UNDER YOUR LEVEL THE FACE IS STABBED AND DEATH IS INSTANT

LOINCLOTH OR FUR SHORTS IS ALL YOU NEED: NEVER HAVE A PROBELM WITH COLD OR HOT DAYS, DONT SUFFER DAMAGE FROM THE ENVIRONMENT AS LONG AS YOU WEAR YOUR LOINCLOTH……MAGTIC COLD IS A DIFFERENT STORY

CIVILIZED IS FOR DORKS: BARBARIANS NEVER BUY SHIT AND SMART PEPLE WOULD NOT EVEN LET THEM IN THE STORE. YOU KEEP STUFF YOU STEAL OR FROM DICKS YOU KILL, BUT NEVER A SHOPPING TRIP. BOOZE OR FOOD OR SEXTIME IS THE EXCEPT, FROM A BAR OR HOORHOUSE.

NO MAGIC: DONT USE IT, OR POTIONS, OR EVEN LET SOME DICK CAST A FRIEND ON YOU EVEN IF HE IS A SPELL. NO MAGIC WEAPONS EVEN.

DONT NEED MAGIC: OH, TOUGH GUY UNDEAD-DEMON, HOW TO HIT IT WITH NO MAGIC? A SIMPLE PUNCH IN THE GOD-DAMN FACE WILL DO! BARBARIAN FISTS ARE AS GOOD AS MAGIC AND DO NORMAL DAMAGE. PUNCH A GHOST? HOW???!???!!1 WITH THE FIST, SAYS A BRABARIAN!!!!!!!!

DONT GET ALONG WITH CLERICS: YOU WILL JUST ARGUE ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERY LITTLE SHIT, AND THEN IT ENDS WITH VIOLENCE

LEVELIGN UP: IT TAKES A SOMETHING EXTRA AS THE BARBAR LEARNS HIS WAY AROUND THE WORLD, SO DO THIS THINGS BEFORE YOU CAN MAEKTHE NEW L

EVEL:

BEFORE 2ND – KILL SOMEONE WITH BEAR HANDS

BEFROE 3RD – TAKE ON ENTIRE BAR IN BRAWL (AND WIN!!!)

BEFORE 4 – MAKE A NEW LOINCLOTH FROM FUR OF MONSTER AT LEAST 8HD (THE OLD ONE IS SUPER SMELLY!!)

BEFORE 5TH – BURN DOWN WHOLE VILLIGE

BEFORE 6TH – STEAL A GEM WORTH AT LEAST 50000GP, THEN LOSE IT LIKE A DOPE

BEFORE 7TH – BONE A QUEEN & THE KING FINDS OUT!!!!!

8TH – SMACK AROUND A GOD

BEFORE 9TH – MAKE A BIG PIRAMID FROM HEADS

BFORE 10 – CONKER A CITY

LEVEL POWERS

LEVEL TWO

DRUNK: BOTTLES OF BOOZE ACT AS HEALING POTIONS……. BUT YOU ALSO GET DRUNK SO NOT TOOO MUCH!!!!1

LEVEL THREE

YOU CAN USE ANY MAGIC AXE

LEVEL 4

SOME THIEF ABILITIES: MOVE QUIET, CLIMB STUFF, HIDE IN SHADOWS LIKE THIEF OF SAME LEVEL (BUT YOU NEVER HIDE IN SHADOWS TO LISEN TO A CONVERSATION OR MOVE QUIET TO SNEEK BYSO MEONE, ONLY TO PEEP ON CHICKS OR LAUNCH A CHOP-HEAD ATTACK.

LEVEL FIVE

YOU GET A FOLLOWER, ROLL ON THIS TABLE 1D12:

1-3 NERD: HE IS THE OPOSITE IN MANY WAYS OF YOU, AND HE TALKSLI KE A FAG AND HIS SHITS ALL RETARTED, BUT HE IS OKAY FOR NOW

4 – 6 SEXY CHICK: MAYBE GOOD WITH A BOW OR SOMETHING, CAREFUL THE HOT ONES ARETRICKERS!

7-9 LOSE CANNON WIZARD: ALWAYS DRUNK 75% OF TIME

10-12 ORNERY CRITTER: GOOD IN A FIGHT BUT EATS ALLOT AND WILL PEE ON YOU TO COMIC AFFECT

LEVEL 6

DONT HAVE TIME TO DIE: WHENEVER YOU GO TO 0 HP, SAVE VS. DEATH AND IF IT WORKS YOU GET HALF YOUR FULL HIT POINTS BACK- IF IT DOESNT WORK, YOU JUST DIED :(

LEVEL 7

WOLVERINE: YOU HEAL 4X FAST AS ANYONE (BUT CHOPPED OFF STUFF

DOES NOT GROWBACK………..OR MAYB EIT DOES????!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!1?!???!)

LEVEL 8

YOU CAN USE ANY MAGIC AXE, SPEAR, OR 2-HAND SWORD UNLES IT HAS STUPID POWERS LIKE LIGHT 10FEET RADIUM OR FIND SECRET DOORS OR STUFFF

LEVEL 9

TINY ITEM: A SAMLL THING YOU FIND AFTER KILLING A MILLION OR SO PEOPLE MAKES YOU CONSIDER IF THTHE BLOOD IS WORTH IT. IT IS A GIRL’S STUFFED DOLL, OR A TINY MUSIC BOX THAT PLAYS A SAD TOON, OR A TINY SHOE FOR A BABY THAT HAS THE FOOT STUCK INSI DE.TO LOOK AT IT YOU THINK “HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE, ALL THE DEADS! THEY ARE ALL OF THEM LOST LIKE SOME TEARS IN THE RAIN………………….” THIS IS YOUR PRESHIOUS. IF ANY ONE TAKES IT YOU MUST TRACK THEM DOWN AND WHEN IT IS TIME TO FIGHT DOUBLE YOUR HIT POINTS AND STR BONUSES. IF IT EVER GETS DEST-ROYED FOR GOOD, YOU WILL EMBARK ON A MISSION OF SUICIDE AFTER YOU KILL THE HOLE WORLD FIRST.

LEVEL 10

KING OF BARBSARIANS……………… ASSEMBLE YOUR HOARD!!!!

CONAN GOES WITHOUT SAY AS THE BEST BARBARIAN, BUT CAN WE HAVE A CONSIDER OF OTHERS? I WOULD SAY ULTIMITE WARRIOR IS A GOOD BARBARIAN. RAMBO IS TO A GOOD BARBRAINIAN. AND ATILA THE HUND.

THE KID FROM THE CARTOON WITH THE UINIOCORN BUDDY WAS THE WORST BARBARIAN EVER AND SHOULS BE KILLED ON SITE.

THATS IT! NOW MAKE A BARABRIAN…………AND..

FIGHT!!!!!!!

IM SURROUND BY DETH.......... BLOOD F ORTHE BLOODGOD

16 Responses to “HEARS YOUR STINKNING BARBARIAN”

  1. Zak S Says:

    How heavy, this axe.

  2. Cole Says:

    Cut a bloody swathe across this battlefield
    Red mist rising, break your human shield
    Slashed to pieces is to be your fate
    Unleash berserker rage none shall escape


  3. CRUSH MY ENEMIES
    SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE ME
    HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF MY LITTLE LOCKET THAT I HAVE THAT HAS MY GRANDMA’S WEDDING PICTURE IN IT

  4. edowar Says:

    Holy crap, I need to play one of these…or maybe two of them!

    -Ed Green


  5. ALSO, CHEST HAIR WILL NOT GROW.

  6. Shawn Sanford Says:

    Awesome. Also, the perfect class for a solo campaign.

  7. X Says:

    DUDE SPELL CHECK ITS’ NOT ALINEMENT! ITS ALIONMINT LIKE FROM A ZOO.

  8. Legion Says:

    KILL SOMEONE WITH “BEAR” HANDS. Priceless!
    I see a mini mod in my near future.

    And, THUNDARR FTW! FTW!

  9. Zak S Says:

    Joesky:
    Workin’ on a project, want your input, gold/xp reward possible email me: zakzsmith at HAWT mayle dawt calm

  10. Colossal Alchemical Adamantisheen Keen +5 Bonewheel Says:

    DOUBLE FASESTABBER: dual wield giants dual wielding dragons dual wielding majyk askses

  11. Truman North Says:

    Needs more cowbell.


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