I THINK THE NEW D &D IS SOON COME SOON AND THEIR IS SOME SCAIRT PLAYERS HERE. WHAT IS DEATH? HOW CAN I NOT GET IT? THESE ARE QESTIONS ASK SINCE THE DON OFTIME……………………….WHO HAS THE ANSWERS???!!?!!1?!??

NO ONE HAS THE ANSERS OF DEATH FOR REAL WORLD EXCEPT THE UNDERTAKER AND PAUL BEARER, BUT I THINK I HAVE

THE ANSER OF DEATH FOR THE D & D WORLD, INCLUDING GRAYHAWK AND MSYTARA (BUT NOT KRYNN). THIS IS BECAUE MY PLAYERS HAVE AN EXTRA STAT —

WHERES THE FOOD

D&D PLAY IS A HUNGRY TIME– LOTS OF HOURS AND THE TUMMY MAKES A GRUMBLE, AND WHEN THE TUMMY GRUMBLES THE MOUTH GRUMBLES TO AND ANGRY WORDS COME OUT. THE  DM WORDS ARE USUAL “OOOPS YOU WALK INTO A INVISIBLE CLOUD OF POYSON AND THERE IS NO SAVING THROW, GOODBYE IM GOING TO TACO BELL.” GAME OBVER, BRO. ALL BECAUSE I GOT HUNGRY AND NO ONE HOOKED ME UP.

SO MY PLAYERS NOW TO BRING ME FOOD AND I GRADE THE FOOD AND THAT IS THEIR CHARACTER SCORE OF (W)HERES (T)HE (FOOD. A ROUGH IDEA IS THIS:

FOOD                                                   ABILITY SCORE WTF                                                PREVINT DEATH BONUS

FUNYUNS                                                          0                                                                              FUCK OFF FROM MY FACE

8 OZ. BAG PRETZEL                                        3                                                                               YOU HAVE 1HP AND ARE IMUNE TO HEALING

HOTDOG WITH NO TOPPINGS                    4                                                                          ALL HITS OF YOU ARE CRITICAL

MCDONOLDS                                                    5-8                                                                           IF TARGET IS RANDOM TARGET IS ALWAYS YOU

DEL TACO, OR PIZZA                                 9-12                                                                         NOTHING, TRY HARDER

6+ THINGS FROM AM/PM                         13-16                                                                                      ROLL SAVES TWICE AND TAKE THE WON YOU WANT

PORK PAD SEE YOU OR A BOCKS FULL OF COSTCO STUFF     17                           YOU HAVE ALL TROLL POWERS

LARGE BAG OF TACOBELL HOLDING    18                                                                    10 FATE POINTS LIKE IN WARHAMMER

SO A TIPICAL PLAYER MIGHT BE:

  • STR 17
  • INT 8
  • WIS 13
  • DEX 16
  • DEX 15
  • CHA 17 (HANSOME DEVIL!!!!
  • WTF 4

AT FIRST SITE YOU GO “HMMM THIS GUY IS A TOUGHIE AND SOME FASES IN THE DUNGEON WILL GET STABBED!!!” BUT TAKE A CLOSER LOOK…….. SOMETHING NOT LOOKS TO GOOD…….. DO…… YOU SEE WHAT I’M AM TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!? THATS RIGHT THIS GUYS WHERES THE FOOD STAT IS TERRIBLE!! THATS LIKE A 7-11 BURRITO OR SOMETHING. IN KEEP ON THE BORTERLAND THIS IS THE GUY HOW FALLS INTO THE KOBOLD PIT AND NEVER COMES BACK OUT.

NOW LET A DEMONSTRASION OF CONTRAST HERE:

  • STR 6
  • INT 7
  • WIS 11
  • DEX 9
  • CON 4
  • CHA 12
  • WTF 18

DOES THESE ROLES OF STATS LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU? IF THEY DUE PROBABLY YOU ROLLED THEN AND SAID “FUCK YOU DICE!!” AND SOME DICE GOT THROWED ACROSSED THE ROOM (I HAVE DESTROYED SEVERAL DICE THIS WAY 😦 ) BUT WAIT A SECOND…………. A CLOSER LOOK SAYS THIS GUY WILL CUT THREW THE DUNGEON LIKE A TORNADO GUN. WHERES THE FOOD = 18 JACKPOT!!!!! HOMEBOY BROUGHT TACO BELL 12-PAK + BOX OF SLIM JIMS FROM COSTCO + 2 LITRE BUDWEISER CLAMATO!!!!!!! IN KEEP ON THE BORDELAND THIS IS THE GUY WHO UNTES THE THE CAVES OF CHAOS AND BURNS THE KEEP DOWN TO THE GROUND AFTER STEAL ALL THE JEWLES AND TRESURE.

SO IF DEATH MAKES YOU PEEPANTS JUST REMEMEBR………… “HMMM I WILL STOP AT TACO BELL BEFORE THE GAME AND NOW I AM A GOD!!!!1”

THANKYUO FOR BRING ING FAT BURGER EXECUSIONER!!!!

THANKYUO FOR BRING ING FAT BURGER EXECUSIONER!!!!

NO FOOD?? EXECUSIONER YOU WANT OPEN CASKIT OR CLOSE.......??

NO FOOD?? EXECUSIONER YOU WANT OPEN CASKIT OR CLOSE…….??

CARCOSA RACES: DOLM

August 6, 2012

(I DONT KNOW WHAT DOLM LOOKS LIKE SO HERE IS A DRAW OF CONAN). DOLM DUDES WANDER THE PLACE TRY TO PEACE TOGETHERT HE LOST LEARNING AND REUBUILT A CIVILAZATION OF GOOD. THEY KNOW A LOT OF EVERYTHING AND THEY ARE PEACEFUL PEOPLE WHICH MEANS THEY GET A PASS FROM MOST EVERY ONE ELSE, EXCEPT FOR TOTAL DICKS. AND MOST SORCERERS LOVE TO FUCK WITH THEM.

QUALIFY: LAWFUL ALIGN, 12 INT, 12 WIS

XP                                         LEVEL                                        HD

0                                           1 NERD                                        1

1700                                  2 BOOKWORM                           2

3200                                  3 [POLLYANNA                       2+1

6800                                  4 MARTAR                                 3

12000                                5 DOGOODER                             4

24000                               6 HELPER                                   4+1

48000                               7 PROGRESIVE                         5

90000                               8 KINDA ANNOYING            6

180000                            9 LEIBOWITS                              6+1

SAVES: LIKE A CLERIC

STRICTIONS: NO HEAVY ARMOR, GOOD ATITUDE ALL THE TIME

EACH EVENS LEVEL OF YOU GET A NEW POWER YOU MAY CHOOSE:

MAKE THE WORLD A BETTRPLACE: EVERY TIME YOU VISIT A NEW COMMUNITY FOR THE FIRST TIME YOU CAN MAKE SOMETHING BETTER ON A 1D10 ROLL UNDER YOUR LEVEL: FIX THE WATER SO YOU DONT SHIT POOP OUT YOUR BUTT NON-STOP FROM DRINKING, TEACH CROP ROTAITION, LEARN THEM HOW TO PRESERVE JAMS & JELLIES, OR WHATEVER. THIS MAKES YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS PRETTY POPULAR WITH THOSE FOLKS, AND THEN YOU AND YOUR DM FIGURE OUT HOW THAT WORKS IN THE GAME. IF YOU FALE YOUR ROLL AND CAN NOT HELP ERVREYBODY IS ALL “THANKS FOR NOTHING??!” AND SOME SNOTTY LOOKS ARE FOR YOU.

WORLSD TRAVELLER: GET A NEW LANGUAGE. CHOSE MORE T HAN ONCE.

FRENDLY: +1 CHA BECAUSE YOU RELATE TO OTHER PERSPRECTIVES. TAKE IT AGAIN IF YOU WANT, FRENDLY PERSON!

NEVER SICK: GOOD HIGENES + SMART GUY DOCTOR KNOWHOW MEANS NO SICKIES FOR YOU!! EVEN GOOD VS. MUMMYSHITS AND DISEASED GUARDIEN PUKING.

CARCOSA CLERIC: TEND TO SOMEONE IF THEY ARE RESTING AND EACH DAY THEY HEAL 1HD EACH DAY YOU ROLL UNDER LEVEL ON 1D10. CAN ONLY HEAL 2HD PER WEEK PER BUDDY THIS WAY. YOU DON’T GET NO REST WHILE YOU DO THIS, SO NO HEALS FOR YOU. AND YOU SHOULD FIND THE PORPER SUPPLIES TO DO (SMELLY WEEDS, CLEAN WATER, CLAP HANDS AND RUB FAST LIKE MIYAGI, SOME MORE.)

A NEW WORLD: START A SETTALMENT AT LEVEL 6 IF YOU WANT. ATTRACT 1D6 NICE PEOPLE PER CHA POINT, ALL COLORS OF THE RAINBOW CO-ALITION FLOCKT TO YOUR COMMMNUNITY: ADD ANOTHER 1D12 PEEPS IF YOU ALOW GAYS FOR MARRYING: LOOK AT THE PORFESSION LIST FROM ANY FANTASY GAME AND CHOOSE 1D6 HELPFUL ONES, EVERYONES ELSE IS JUST A MUSHROOM FARMER, PUDDING HERDER, OR SCRAP COLLECTER. WORK THE REST OUT WITH DM, A GOOD HOMEBASE?TRY TO MAKE A NEW WOLDR.THE DOWNSIDE: THESE PLACES ARE A ASSHOLE MAGNET, YOUR HAPPY PLACE IN #1 ON THE LIST FOR TOTAL DICKS TO BEGIN THE CAMPAINE OF BLOODSHED, SO HIRE SOME MERCS OR HAVE SOME GUNS READY.

DR DOOLITLE: YOU TOOKED PITY ON A LITTLE INJURED SPAWN OF SHUB-ZIGGURAT, YOUR TENDER HEALING TURNED IT FROM BAD TO GOOD. NOW ITS YOUR PET. GENERATE RANDOM EXCEPT ITS SMALL, ONLY 1D3HD. BETTER NOT LET THE TOWNIES SEE IT, THEY WO’NT UNDERSTAND………….

STUDY BRAKE: IN YOUR TRAVELS YOU HAVE LEARNT OF SECRET PLACES FROM TOMES OF KNOWING: ROLL A RANDOM CITADEAL ON THE CARCOSA MAP, YOU KNOW HOW TO GET IN SECRET IN THERE.

GOOD KARMA: YOU HELPED SOMEONS LITTLE SIS/TER OUT OF

A TOUGH SCRAPE, THE PAYBACK IS THE FAMILY WANTS TO HELP YOU BACK. ROLL A RANDOM VILLAGE ON THE CARCOSA MAP, THAT VILLAGE WILL DOSOM E COOL STUFF FOR YOU.

EAR TO THEFLOOR: YOU GET THE BEST RUMERS, ON THE ADVENTURE BUST OUT ONE BONUS: KEY TO A LOCK DOOR, GET A AMBUSH ON A WANDERING MONSTER, FIND THE NEXT SECRET DOOR, GET A FREND REACTION FROM SOME HOSTILES, OR FIGURE OUT SOME MORE.

TEACHER: YOU ATTRAC A YOUNG SAGE-IN-TRAINING, JUST KEEP HER FED AND SHE HELPS OUT CARRY STUFF, ONE AREA OF EXPERTISSE, UNLIKLY CURAGE WHEN NEEDED MOST.

ARCADE KNOWLIDGE: YOU NOW SOME WEIRD SHIT. STUN 1D ROUNDS A GREAT RACE, PRIMONIAL ONE, OR SPACE ALIEN WITH YOUR UNEXPECTED NOWHOW (A HUMAN KNOWS THIS WTF??????!!??!? IS THE REACTION, THEN A QUIETTIME TO THINK “HOW IS THIS SO??’). WORKS ONLY ONE TIME ON A TARGITS, NOT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ANDOVER & OVER AN

D OVER………………………… AND OVER AND OVER…………………

A REVEW OF CONAN MOVIE

August 23, 2011

CONAN BARBARIAN WITH JASON MOMA IS THE 2ND BEST CONAN MOVIE EVER.  THAT PUTS IT WRITE IN THEMIDDEL OF THE TOP 5 MOVIES OF ALL TIME!!. (SORRY CANONBALLS RUN YOU HAVE BEEN KNOCKED INTO #6).

I DID NOT SEE THE 3D OF IT BUT BE-CAUSE OF THE BOOZE SOMETIMES IT FEELED 3D ANYWAYS – I SWEARE TO GOD THAT CONAN PUCHNED MY FASE AT LEASE ONE TIME, MAYBE 3-5!!!!!!1

I DRUNK 2 TALLBOYS BEFORE GO IN AND 1 HOTBOX WITH KIDS IN THE PARKING LOT, AND I THINK THIS IS A GOOD ISDEA.  AQ COUPLE TIMES THEIR WAS DANGER LIKE MAYBE I THINK ROSE MAGOWIN IS STUPID OR THIS MOVE NEEDS A THULSA-DOOM OR THESE SPECIAL AFFECTS LOOK LIKE 1996………………………BUT THEN THE BEER KICKS IN AND I GO ”HAHAHA HOW FUCKING CARES ITSAMOVIESTABSOMEONEQUICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”” AND THEN SOME BOOBS COME ON AND THERES NO PROBLEM. HATERS SHOULD PROBALY DROP 3 TALL B’S AND BRING A FLASK FOR BACKUP TO GARANTEE FUN.

THERE WERE SEVERAL BOOBS BUT NO SORCERORESS BOOBS 😦

I LIKE THE JAMAICAN GUY I HOPE THE NEXT CONNAN MOVIE IS CONAN + JAMAINACAN GUY AND THEY SAIL THEIR PIRATE SHIP AND BEAT UP BAD GUYS AND BONE CHICKS.

I THINKS ONE VERY MINOR QUIBBLE IS THE MONK CHICK THAT CONAN SAVES IS FUCKING LAME.  I THINK ARNOLD CONAN WOULD HAVE BONED HER AND THEN WHEN SHE GOT STOLE BY THE BAD GUY ARNOLD WOULD JUST SAY “AH SEE YOU AROUND I GUESS’ AND THEN HE ‘D FI

ND SOME COO LERCHICKS TO HANG OUT WITH. AND KICK THE BAD GUYS ASS LATER.

ALSO A CAMAL-PUNCH SUBPLOT WOULD BE NICE…………LIKE CONAN COULD BE WALKING THE DESERT AND A CAMEAL COULD STEAL HIS VAMPIRETEETH NECKLACE AND CONAN WOULD PUNCH HIS FASE AND SAY ‘NOT THIS TIME CAMAL!!!” OR IF THE CAMAL HAD BOOBS AND THEN CONAN PUNCHED HIM (HER?).

THE BOTTOM LINE: GO GET DRUNK AND SEE THE MOVIE IT IS GREAT, BUT ARNOLD CAN LIGHT UP A BIG CIGAR BECUASE HE IS STILL #1 OF ALL TIME.!!!!!!!

LIFETWEET CONAN #9

August 19, 2011

CROM –!!!  WHY A FORSAKE ME?  SPENT ALL MY MONEY ATA

BAR AND NOW THEIR IS NONE LEFT FORM OVIE. 😦

TRY AGAIN TOMORRROW……………………………………………………………………………

LIVESTWWEETING CONAN #8

August 19, 2011

2PM OR 3PM???!?!

I THINK A BLACKOUT??  NOT SURE WHERE AM I.  SANPEDRO? OR MAYBE PLANET ALGOL?  BARF UP A BEER CAN………………………….WHY IS GLUE ON ALL OVER FACE? LOOK FOR LIQCOR STORE THEN FIND THEATAR OF CONAN THEN FIND HOME

#5 TWEET CONAN

August 19, 2011

I HAVE NEVER BEFORE EVER BEEN REFUSE SERVICE AT A LIQUOR STORE UNTIL TODAY.  I THINK.  IF I CANT BE WEARING JUST A LOINCLOTHES AND VAMPIRE TEETH NECKALCE TO GET MY BEER, THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON.

BOUGHT SOME GLUE AT THE HARDWEAR STORE AXCROSS STREET SO THE JOEKS ON YOU, ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

 

 

TWEET #4 CONAN

August 19, 2011

12AM NOON

I JUST SAW THE WRONGED MOVIE.  CRAZY STUPIDLOVE IS NOT BAD IT HAS THE GUY FROM “OFFICE’ AND SOME HOT CHICKS BUT I AM AT A WRONG THEATAR — DO NOT GO TO THE ART THEATAR IN LONG BEACH IF YOU THINK YOU WANT TO SEE SOME FASE STABS, THEIR ARE NO FASE STABS HERE.  STOP AT THE ,LIQOUR STORE AND PLAN MY NEXT MOVE………………….. 😦

CONAN #3

August 19, 2011

8:18AM NO CHICKS YET 😦

7:4AM

DRINK THREE BEERS ALREDY……………………………… ATE THE CANS JUST TO LET EVERY-ONE NOW I’M SERIOUS.  PRACTISING CONAN SWORD MOVES IN THE PARKING LOT.  STILL CLOSED THEATAR, HOW THEY MAKE MONEY IOF THE MOVIE IS NOT SHOW YET?!?!?!??!!!!?!

LIVETWEET OF CONAN #1

August 19, 2011

6:15AM OKAY HERE AT A MOVIE THEATAR.   WHERE IS NO ONE ELSE?!?!!!????!  WHAT TIME

DOES A MOVIE START?