CONAN #3

August 19, 2011

8:18AM NO CHICKS YET 😦

7:4AM

DRINK THREE BEERS ALREDY……………………………… ATE THE CANS JUST TO LET EVERY-ONE NOW I’M SERIOUS.  PRACTISING CONAN SWORD MOVES IN THE PARKING LOT.  STILL CLOSED THEATAR, HOW THEY MAKE MONEY IOF THE MOVIE IS NOT SHOW YET?!?!?!??!!!!?!

LIVETWEET OF CONAN #1

August 19, 2011

6:15AM OKAY HERE AT A MOVIE THEATAR.   WHERE IS NO ONE ELSE?!?!!!????!  WHAT TIME

DOES A MOVIE START?

CURE FOR CONNAN HATERS

August 5, 2011

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!?!?1  OLNY TWO MORE WEEK UNTIL CONAN BARBARIAN MOVIE……………………………..I JUST POOPED A LITTLE (FROM EXSITEMENT) OF THINK ABOUT IT.  BUT STILL SO

ME PEOPLE ARE NOT CONVICED OF A GOODTIME.  WHAT ARE THE EYES COLORS?  IS HE TO MUSSELS?NOT ENOUH MUSSLES?SOME OTHER THINKS?

LUCK FOR US THEIR IS A ANSER TO ANY PROBLEM!
!  IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HAVE A PROBLEM ENJOY CONAN BARBARIAN JUST DRINK TWO OF THIS BEFFORE THE SHOW AND EVERY-THING WILL BE FINE:

NO PROLBLEM TO BIG TO HANDLE

SERIOUS THESE FUCKERS WORK CHARM!!  DRINK TWO AND CONAN WILL BE THE BEST MOVIE SEE YOU ALL MONTH.  DRINK FOUR AND I COULD PLAY A WHITEWOLF GAME, WITH NO COMPLAINTING.  DRIN KTEN AND SAY GOODBY TO FAMILY+JOB WITH LAUGHING AND A MIDDLE FINGER.  DRINK 15+ NO JAIL CAN HOLD YOU  BUT PROBALY YOU WILL WAKE UP WITH SHIT PANTS AND ONLY 1HP REMAINING.

I WILL ENJOY CONAN MOVE NO MATTER WHAT BUT I WILL DRINK 2-3 TALLBOYS ANYWAY.  IF YOU HAVE HOBBITBLADDER OR OGRE-PROSTRATE GLAND AND PISS PROBLEMS GALORE, BRING A FLACKS OF GIN INSTEAD FOR INSTEAD.  OR SNIFF PAINT.

THE NEXT TIME A SEX HAPPINS TO ME I WILL WEAR THE BIG MICKEY MOUSEFEET SLIPPERS MY AUNT GAVE ME 12 YEAR SAGO AND GO TO TOWN!!  THAT IS THE ONLY FURRY COSTUME I HAVE I WISH I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER 😦

OR IF MONDAY ROLLS AROUND AND THEIR IS NOT SEX THEN I WILL SCEDULE SOME ALONE TIME WITH THUNDER-CATS ON TV.

SHITS GOING DOWN ON MONDAY!!!!

HROSES

June 16, 2011

THE OUTDOOR ADVENTURE NEEDS SOME HORSES BUT THESE ARE TRICKER CREATURES.  ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU COULD BE IN A TROU

LETS RIDE!!!!

BLE…!.  HERE IS A CRITICAL HIT CHART FOR THE HORSE…………..WHEN TO ROLL ON IT?  HELL IF I NOW.  MAYBE WHEN YOU ARE RIDING IF THE HORSE GETS STABBED OR PUNCH IN THE FACE BY CONAN OR A RED SLAAD JUMP OUT OR FIRE-BALL COME TO CLOSE OR A PITTRAP OR YOU ROLL A ONE WHEN TRY TO JUMP THE FENCE, SO ROLLA D12 AND CROSS FINGERS:

1. HEY MAN NOT TO BAD! THE HORSE STOPS FOR ONE ROUND TO THINK THING OVER BUT YOU GET CONTROLAG AIN NEXT ROUND.

2.   HORES SAYS “FUCK THIS’ AND TRIES TO TOSS YOU LIKE A SALAD- SAVE VERS. DRAGON BREATH OR TAKE 1D6 DAMAGE AND LAND ON YOUR ASS.

3) DON’T BOTHER SAVE THIS TIME– YOU ALREADY FALL OFF!! TAKE 3D4 DAMAGE BECAUSE HE TRAMPLED YOU AND GOOD LUCK CATCHING HIM.

4) THE HORSE DOES NOT LIKE WHAT IS SEE AND A TURNAROUND IS NOW. GO REVER

SE DIRECTION FULL SPEED FOR 4D4 ROUNDS.

4. CRAZY HORSE IS A BLOODTHRISRTY PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT FIGHT HE CHARGE RIGHT IN AGAINST THE TOUGHEST ENEMY………HOPE YOU CAN HACK IT, HOTSHOT!

6. NEXT TIME YOU TAKE A BRAKE THE HORSE SPLITS TOWN IN THE MIDDEL OF NIGHT.  THEN HE SPREADS WORD TO ALL THE HORSES OF THE WORLD – YOU ARE A SHITTY MASTER.  NOW NO HORSE WILL SUBMIT TO A RIDE OF YOU…….HOPE YOU LIKE LONG WALKS1.

7. ROUGH RIDE MEANS YOU DROP YOUR COOLEST TOY – VORPAL SWORD, MAGIC 8BALL, FIREBALL WAND, THE DM DESIDES. BETTER GO PICK IT UP QUICK!!!1

8. THE MOST EMBARESSING…….A BATHROOM BRAKE!! YOUR HORSE TAKES A BIG DUMP AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THEIR AND WAIT. ALL YOUR HIRELINKS LAUGH AND THEY TAKE -1 MORAL FOR THE REST OF DAY BECAUE SITTING ON THE POOP HORSE IS NOT A LEADER?!?!?

9. YOUR HORSE PULLS A HAMMY, MOVE IS HALF AND IF YOU BEAT HIM WITH THE FASTER-STICK ROLL AGAIN THREE TIMES AND DO ALL 3 THINGS RESULTS

10. THIS HORSE IS POPULAR AND THE OTHERH ORSES LOOK FOR INSPIRATION. ROLL AGAIN TO FIND WHAT HE DOES, AND THEN ALL THE OTHER HORSES IN SIGHT DO A SAME THING.

11. OH SHIT THATS NOT A HORSE ITSA DOPPLEGANGLER! FIGHT!!!!

12. HORSE EXPLOSDES, TAKE 6D6 DAMAGE AND SAFE VS. DRAGON BREATH OR YOU ON FIRE FOR 1D6 EACH ROUND UNTIL STOP-DROP-AND-ROLL. NOW YOU NEED A NEW HORSE, PARD-NER!

FIGHT WENSDAY NIGHT

June 1, 2011

I NEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET THE UP AC HATERS FIGHT ON THR CARSOSA HATERS BECAUSET HE BATTLE IS NO CONTROL!!  THE SMELL OF SWORDS AND THE SOUND OF BLOOD DRAW ALL THE MOST DESPERADOS TO FIGHT AND THE SITE IS TO ANGRY TO WATCH.

THE POEPLE WHO HATE THE THIEF CLASS HAVE ARRIVE THEY REFUSE TO SURRANDER.  BUT THEN CLAWS BREAK UP THREW THE DIRT AND A NEW ARMY BURSTS IN SITE….. IT IS GUYS WHO SAY A CLERIC MUST V=NEVER HAVE A

CAST OF SPELL FOR 1ST LEVEL!!!!!!!!!!  SHIT IT IS NOT ALL ONE MORE BLACK CLOUD IS LIFT TO REVEEL MORE ANGRY FIGHTERS — – THEY SHOUT “WE ARE HATE THE BLUE D&D MAPS YOU MUST ALL DIE!!!!!!!”

THE BATTEL OF FIVE ARMIES!!!1  A CIVIL WAR IS DESTROY THE OSR WHEN THEY RUSH TO FIGHT BUT “BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!1” IN THE MIDDLE IS GANDALF……….

JEFF RIENTS TO SAVE THE DAY!!!  “HALT!!!!!! THE REAL EMENY IS COMEING…………….LOOK TO THE NORTH THEY ARE COMING…  – ALL OF THE ONES WHO THINK ARNOLD CONAN IS SHITTY!  WE MUST JOIN TOGETHER TO FIGHT THEM’

AND I JOIN THE FIGHT TO BECAUSE THOSE HATERS ARE WORST ONES OF ALL.  WE DONOT NEED EAGLE HELP, WE JUST CRUSH THEY SKULLS, LAMENT THE WOMEN , AND KILL THE ENEMYS.

(AND AFTER DONE WE TURN ON THE HATE CARCOSAS FOR FOR RAPE AND KILL AND NOW WE HAVE THE SUCKERED ABONINATION ON OUR SIDE TO!!!!!!!!!)

WENSDAY NIGHT FIGHTS

May 19, 2011

HERE IS

AGOOD ONE …………………………… LIKE ROMAN GLADIATER TIMES IS A MOB BATTLE FRO YOUR ENTERTAINMENTS.  IN THE ONE CORNER WE HAVE…………

TUCKERS KOBOLDS!!1

AND NOW TO MAKE THE FIGHT WE LET IN SOME……………

GREMLINS GREMLINS GREMILNS

TUCKARDS KOLBOLDS V.S. THE GREMLINS A PRETTY FAIR FIGHT BECAUSE BOTH BOTH NEVER FIGHT WITH FAIR1 – THIS IS A BUNCH OF REAL BASTERDS FOR SURE!  WHO WILL WIN?  I HAVE A IDEA BUT FOR YOU IS TO GUESSS…………………………..!! WHO…………….!!

SO LONG AGO WAS THIS FIGHT MAY-BE BOTH THEM OF DIE OF OLD AGE??

BUT THE REAL PROBLE

M IS I GOT MAD TO LOOK UP DOCTOR DOMOS POWERS. I FIGURE SOME LASER HANDS + ROCKETBOOTS+ ARMOR= DOCTOR DOOM BUT I GESS THE WRITERS GAVE HIM ALL KIND OFS CRAZY POWERS INCLUDE……………………………SORCEROR???????????????????????/  OKAY HE TOOK DOWN BEYONDMAN IN THE SECRETS WAR, BUT COME ON. NOW A TROUBLE – I FIGURD THULSA WOULD BE THE BEST DOOM, BUT DOCTOR HAS SORCER POWER PLUS ALL THE OTHER STUFF………….. HOW IS A LOSE POSSIBLE.?

QUICK AWSNER: FUCK IT AND FUCK YOU MARVEL COMICTS.  NO WAY IS DOCTOR D. A SORCEROR – NOT ON MY WATCH, DICKHEADS.  HES JUST A JERK IN SOME ARMOR AND SO THE FIGHT GOES LIKE THIS:

THULSA DOOM IS HANGING OUT ON THE GOLD THRONE MAYBE JUST SIPPING ON SOME OF THE GREEN SOUP MADE FROM DEAD PEOPEL – CHICKS ARE BONING IN FRONT HIM OF HIM…………THE USUAL THULSA SEEN.  DOCTOR DOOM FLYS IN WITH A LASER BLAST KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!! BLOWS UP THULSA!!!1

SHIT…….GAME OVER FOR THE MOST EVIL SORCEROREVER?  NO WAY HOTSHOT.  WHERES THE THULSA BODY? DOOM CHECKS EVERY WHERAR….. UNDER RUBBLE……. BEHIND BONING CHICKS (STILL BONING)…………..IN CANNIBAL SOUP POT……………BEHIND GIANT STUFFED SNAKE…….. – — OH SHIT BIG MISTAKE- THAT’S NOT A STUFFED SNAKE THAT IS THULSA AFTER A TRANSFORMER SPELL!??!!!! THE BITE COMES DOWN HARD AND TWO FANKS GO INTO THE EYE HOLES IN THE HELMET, A LESSIN FOR DOOM TO COVER THE EYES LIKE IRON MAN!!!  BUT THE LESSIN IS TO LATE- SWALLOWED LLIKE A MOUSE AND THE GREEN CAPE IS POOPED OUT A WEEK LATER.  THULSA DOOM VICTORIOUS!!!!!!!!!! DOES SCIENCE EVER BEAT MAGIC, I DONT THINK SO)

P IS FOR THIS POTION

April 16, 2011

LIKE A THOSAND YEAR AGO IN MY FRIST GAME AS D&D PLAYER MY CHARACTAR

FOUND A SUPERHEROSIM POTION AND I WAS LIKE “””SWEET LETS DO THIS SHIT!!!!!!” AND THEN D. MASTER SAYS ‘ OKAY A DRINK IS MAKE AND NOW YOU HAVE…… 3 EXTRALEVELS FOR A COUPLE ROUNDS…….

I SAID “WHAT THE VROCK ARE YOU TALK A-BOUT YOU SAID THE POITON IS MAKED ME A SUPER HERO’ AND THEN HE EXPLANES SOME BULLSHIT AND A BIG FIGHT IS ON!!!!

THE DMG “POTION OF SUPERHEROISM” IS A BIG WASTE OF MY TIME AND PROBALY A FALSE ADVARTISE LAWSUIT ONCE I GET MY LAW DIGREE. SO HERE IS THE A REALDEAL, DRIN KYOUR POTION ANDF ROLL 1D12 FOR RESULT:

1. IN A FLASH YOU RUN SO FAST LIKE A QUICKSILVER BOLT FOR 3D20 TURNS, MOVE 10X YOUR NORMAL SPEED, ATTACK 8X PER ROUND

2. NEXT 10D8 ROUNDS HEAL 1D4 X 10 DAMAGE PER ROUND, IMMUNE POISON OR GET SICK, AC0, ATTACK LIKE 20TH LEVEL FIGHTER, ATTACK CLAW/CLAW 2D12/2D12

3. 4D4 ROUNDS PUNCH DOES 1D10 X 10 DAMAGE, SEE-THROUGH STUFF VISION, FLY AS FAST AS YOU WANT, STRENGTH TO DO ANYTHING, AND CANNOT BE HURT, AND EYES SHOOT FIREBALL BEAMS, AND BLOW A CONE OF COLD, AND FLY AROUND PLANET BACKWERDS TO MAKE TIME REVERST, AND FEEL A LITTLE SAD BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS LIKE TO BE YOU 😦

4. FOR 2D10 TURNS YU GET IMPROVED INVISABILITY, CAN MAKE INVISIBLE STUFF TO USE (BRIDGES, PILLARS, STAIRS, SWORD) AND MAKEA IN-VISIBLE SHIELD THAT GIVES YOU AC-10. ALSO YOU ARE NOW A CHICK (IF YOU WASNT ALREADY)

5. 4D12 ROUNDS A FANTASTIC POWER OF STRECHING – BECOME A ROPE, SLIP UNDER A DOOR, ATTACK FROM FAR AWAY, CROSS A GAP, AND MORE……………..YOUR IMAGIN

ATION IS IN CHARGE!!!!!!!!1

6. BODY TURNS INTO SOLID MAGINCAL +5 PLATEMAIL. STR IS NOW 18. TOUCH BY RUST MONSTER AND YOU DIE FOREVER. THIS IS FOR 5D20 TURNS.

7) GAIN 400 POUNDS OF GREEN MUSSELS. STRONG ENOUGH TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, A PUNCH IS 1D12 X 10 DAMAGE. JUMP A FEW MILES. NOTHING IS HURT YOU. INT & WIS ARE 4 EACH. ANGER ISSUES (A HOT CHICK WILL SOLVE IT(), FOR 2D8 ROUNDS

8. 8D4 ROUNDS? CAST WEB ALL THE TIME YOU WANT. 16 STR + 18 DEX. NEVER SURPRISED ALWAYS ATTACK FIRST. I GUESS STICK TO WALLS&CEELING TO!

9. IT LASTS 5D6 ROUNDS. SHOOT MAGIC MISSILES FROM YOUR FACE 4 PER ROUND, BUT IF YOU DONT WEAR A HELMET YOU MIGHT SHOOT ALL YOUR FRIENDS.

10.TELEPORT WEHREVER YOU WANT, CHA 3. LASTS UNTIL REMOVE CURSED IS CAST UPON YOU.

11. YOU HAVE A FIRE MADE OF BODY. FLY ALL OVER AT SPEED OF EAGLE, FIREBALL ONCE A ROUND, BURN SHIT UP CONSTANTLY, DICK ATTITUDE. 15 ROUNDS.

12. A SHITTY ROLL…. YOU CAN TALK TO FISH AND MAYB THEY FIGHT FOR YOU BUT WHAT THE HELL IS A CLAM GOING TO DO AGAINST A OGRE ANYSWAY?