RE: ZAK

FUCK ZAK. MAY BE I;M WRONG TO NOT BE ZAK’S FRIEND. BUT FUCK HIM.

**SPOILER HINT: I;M NOT WRONG!!!1

W HAT DO TO DO WHEN A THIEF FALL HAPPENED

STOP ME IF YOUVE TOLD THIS SITUATION BEFORE: 5 MINUTES INTO A THE AVENTURE THE THIEF TRYS TO CLIMB A 10-FOOTED WALL AND THEN FALLS DOWN AND DIES. TIME TO ROLL 3D6 IN ORDER AND NOT PICKJ A THIEF THIS TIME, BECAUSE WHO NEEDS A SHITHEAD THAT DIES ALWAYS DOING A SIMPLE JOB!!!!

SO HERES DSOME IDEAS TO MAKE A FALL NOT MAKE YOU FLIP THE TABLE OVER AND SPILL THE TACO BELLL FOOD ON THE FLOOR. WHEN YOU FUCK UP A CLIMB ROLL TO CLIMB SOMETHING, INSTED OF A AUTOMATIC DAMAGE TAKING — ROLL 2D8 AND HOPE FOR THE BEST:

1 IMPOSSTIBLE!!! ROOL AGAIN

2 BROKED THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ASS, ONLY 1-2 HP LEFT, CANT WALK OR FIGHT, NEED TO BE CARRIED AROUND BY FRIENDS. PROBABLY THESE ASSHOLES WILL LEAVED YOU FOR DEAD, MAYBE DIE AUTMOATIC WOULD BE A BETTER ONE1!

3 IV’E GOT GOOD NEWS AND SHITTY NEWS FOR YOU, WHAT DO YOU AWNT FIRST???? OKAY GOOD NEWS IS NO DAMAGE, YOU SURVIVE FINE! BAD NEWS IS ON THE WAY DOWN FROM DEADLY FALL YOU PRAYED TO A SUPER LAME GOD FOR HELP AND THEY MADE THE SAVE HAPPEN, SOMEONE TOTALLY DORKY LIKE ST. CUPBERTH OR PASQETTI MONSTER, OR A PETTY GOD OF LITING FARTS ON FIRE– NOW YOU ARE A OFFICAL CLERIC OF THAT GOD, SAME LEVEL AS YOU WERE THEIF.

4 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH YOU ON WAY DOWN BUT WHAT THE HELL, THE FLOOR BROKED YOUR FALL……… WHY THE HELL THIS THING SO SQUISHEDY???? OH YOU WOKED UP A TRAPPER, ROLL ON INITIATIVE…

5 YOU CATCH YOURSELVE FROM A BAD FALL ONLY SLIDE DOWN 10”-FEET, WHEW THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE!! A QUICK LEG STRETCH OUT TO MAKE THE SAVE IS A PANTS RIPPER AND NOW THERES A PROBLEMO: YOU STOLE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO ANOTHER PC AND YOU DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER DO IT, BUT FALLS OUT YOUR BUSTED PANTS AND KNOW YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ DO IF YOU WANT HELP TO GET DOWN.

6 ACTCHUALLY YOU MADE IT UP BUT IT WAS REAL TOUCH AND GO. IT MUST BE THE ARMOR AND CLOTHES IS NOT RIGHT – TOO SCARED TO CLIMB AGAIN UNTIL CHANGE ARMORED AND CLOTHES TO DIFFERENT ONES.

7 HUH…….. YOURE OKAY. IT WAS ALL JUST A VISULATION EXERCISE TO HYPE YOURSELF UP FOR THE CLIMB, YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY YET. OKAY NOW GOT FOR IT! (ADD ++10% TO THE ROLL).

8 NO FALL BUT SHIT NOW YOURE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE, WHAT NOW HOTSHOT????????? ROLL TO KEEP CLIMBING OR IF YOURE ONLY 5 FEET UP YOU CAN PROBABLY JUMP DOWN NO PROBLEM.

9 A DEADLY FALL HAPPENS BUT NO SWEAT, ONLY YOUR MOST PRESIOUS ITEM OR USEFIL ITEM BREAKS THE FALL. BUT IT ALSO BREAKS 😦

10 YOU FALL FOR 1HP DAMAGE AND IT MAKES YOU RUB YOUR BUTT HARD AND SAY “OWWWWIE” AND A SMALL TEARS HAPPENS. ALL OF THE HIRELINGS LAUGH AND LOOK AT EACHOTHER LIKE, “WHO IS THIS SHIT HEAD AND WE ARE FUCKED IF THIS IS THE GUY IN CHARGE. ALL OF THEM SECRET TEAM UP AT NEXT OPPORTUNITY TO ROBB PARTY BLIND AND RUN AWAY.

11 THE FALL HAPPEN FROM A NOT TO FAR FALL AND NO DAMAGE IS HURT BUT THE SCARE IS REAL AND NOW YOU CAN NOT THIEF CLIMB AGAIN UNTIL YOU LEARN A LIFES LESSON ABOUT BRAVERY FROM A UNEXPECT SOURCE, LIKE A CHILD WITH MUMMY ROT OR A TROLL WHO CANNT DEGENERATE, OR READ POEM THAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY+SAD SAME TIME.

12 YOURE A GONER FOR SURE AND YOU FALL HALFWAY THEN A BUNCHOF TENTICLES COME OUT FROM THE WALL AND GRAB YOU………….THANK YOU NICE MONSTER! OH SHIT NOW ITS TRY TO EAT YOU, ROOL INITIATIVE.

13 FALLS HAPPEN SOME TIMES ITS PART OF THE JOB. YOU FALLED BUT YOUR HEAD LULCKILY BROKED YOUR FALL. REROLL YOUR INT: IF YOU WERE WEARING A HELMET SUBTRACT 0, NO HELEMT = -3, IF YOUR NEW INT IS LESS THAN 3 YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP NEXT TIME YOU SLEEP. IF YOUR NEW INT IS MORE THAN OLD ONE CONGRATULUTIONS!!

14 YOU PREYED TO THE GOD OF THIEFS ON THE WAY DOWN AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, THAT SUMBITCH ANSWERED. YOU GOT SAVED FROM CEERTAIN DEATH BYA REAL SCOUNDREL, NOW YOU GOT A THIEF QUEST TO DO FOR HER OR HIM (OR SAY NO TO A GOD, SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.)

15 OL’ SNEAKY PETE ISNT THE GOD OF THEIFES OR EVEN A PETTY GOD, HE’S JUST SOME WEIRD SPECTER THAT IS SUPOER INTO THEIFES, WHAT A TODAL WIERDO. ANYHOO, OL’ SNEAKY PETE USES SOME SPECTER MAGIC TO FLOAT DOWN YOUR FALL AND NOW HE FOLLOWS YOU AROUND AND TELLS YOU TO CONSTANTLY DO THEIF THINGS TO DO. HE’S BECOMES A JERK WHEN YOU DONT, TELLS MONSTERS THE PARTYS COMING, STEALS THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE SO YOU GET THE BLAME, ECT. HE ASLO EATS 50% OF THE TRESURE YOU KEEP. IF YOU CAN TRICKER HIM TO SAY HIS NAME BACKWARD HE GOES AWAY.

16 YOU DIDNT SURFIVE THE FALL TOO BAD, BUT YOUR GHOST CAN JOINS THE PARTY (ROLL FOR CREATE GHOST PC).

17 ROLL AGAIN TWICE TIMES.

CARCOSA 40,000K – FUTURE SHOCK: 400,000,000 LIGHT YEARS IN THE FUTURE

TIME-LINE

-400,000,011 YEARS AGO: CARCOSA AS WE KNOW IT, A SHITTY PLACE OF SORCERERS AND OTHER PEPLE WHO NEED TO BE FACE STABBED. EVEREYONES ALL FUCKED UP AND THE DINOSAURS ARE CRAZY. GODDAMN MUMMIES CONSTANTLY. DEEP ONES, YUP EVERY WHERE. IT IS A TIME THAT NEEDS HEROS BUT HAS ONLY BAD GUYS INSTEAD.

-400,000,000 YEARS AGO (SEVERAL BILLION YEARS FROM NOW ON PALNET EARTH): A PARTY OF HEROIC ADVENTURERS UNDERCAME THE GREATEST QUEST OF ALL TIME TO PURIFY CARCOSA AND CURE OF IT THE CURSE FROM MANY BILLION OF YEARS PAST. THEY COMPLETED THE 12 LABORS OF HEALING THE PLANET:

1. EXECUTION OF SHUB-NIGGURATH
   DEMOLISH BLACK ABNOMINATION OF NYARLATHOTEP
   PACIFY THE SPACE ALIENS
   MELT THE ICY WASTES
   CONFIRM AC IS DESCENDING
   BURN THE ELDERS SCROLLS OFTHE SNAKE-MEN
   FIND THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LOCKS
   SOLVING THE RIDDLE OF THE EMPTY MAZE
   COMPREHEND THE FUNGUS-MEN
   THE NIGHT ALL MUMMIES BRAINS GOT MURDERED
   BUILD THE ULFIRE PYRAMIDS
   APOLOGIZED TO THE BONE PEOPLE FOR BEING JERKS TO THEM

AND SO WAS THE PLANET CARCOSA HEALED AND A GREAT AGE OF PEACE AND HARMONY, KIND ROBOTS AND BEING DRUNK HAPPEN……

UNTIL……….

THE RETURN OF A GREAT EVIL FROMT HE PASSED PROVES THAT THE MORE THINGS CHANGE THE MORE THAT THE THINGS STAY SAME…….. [MORE COMING SOON]

THE PICTURE IS FROM https://www.deviantart.com/julian-faylona/art/Tetraktys-618259503

 

BACK AT IT AGAIN

OKAY………….. WHERE HAVE I BEEN???!? AGOOD QUESTION FOR ANSWERING BUT I WILL ONLY SAY THIS: THE MOVIE TRON IS A TRUE STROY AND IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU TOO!!

ANYWAYS TO GET BACK IN THE SWING OF THINGS, SLOWLY. FIRST: I CANNOT DO ENCOUNTER CRITICAL. THE SCIENCE WAS TO MUCH FOR ME. I GIVE UP, THE DREAM OF BEING A KLENGON IS DEAD 😦

SECOND – BUT I FOUND SOMETHING BETTER ——- TROIKA! SO THE GOAL IS TO TAKE CARCOSA IN ONE HAND AND TROIKA IN THE OTHER HANDS AND THEN PRESS TOGETHER AS HARD AS IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE THEM TOGETHER AND YELL “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!”

A QUICK WARMUP POST – TROIKA! CITY HAS A NEIGHBORHOOOD THAT IS FULL OF CARCOSA PEOPLE. ITS A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD. 3 NEW CHARSACTER BACKGROUNDS FOR TROIKA!, OF CARCOSA PEOPLE WHOM LIVE IN TROIKA!

SUPERNUMERATOR
A BILLION YEARS FROM NOW IN THE FUTURE CARCOSANS HAVE SAY “NO!!” TO COMPUTERS AND ROBOTS AND MADE A SOSIETY OF ADVANCED SMART MATH PEOPEL. IN STEAD OF HANG OUT WITH THE OTHER NERDS, YOU CAME BACK IN TIME TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW SMARTER YOU ARE AND LAUGH AT THEM. BUT NOW YOU ARE IN TROIKA AND THE DAMN JOKES ON YOU, COUNTING CALORIES FOR RED PRIESTS TO MAKE A LIVING. IF YOU MAKE FRIENDS WITH A ZOANTHROP ITS A REAL ODD COUPLE SITUATION. SOMETIMES YOU TALK LIKE THE SESAME ST. COUNT.

POSSESSIONS
– COLORFUL SKIN COLOR
– ABRACADABRACUS (COMPUTATION = APPLE IIE COMPUTER)
– SLING
– MONICAL
– NOTEPAD AND PENCIL
– MULTIPLACATION TABLES

SKILS
6 MATHMOLOGY
3 EVALUATE
2 SLING FIGHTING
1 INDIRECT FIRE WEAPON FIGHTING
1 GAMBLING (GOOD AT ODDS, SHITTY POKER FACE)

ASISSTANT MUMMY WRAPPER
MUMMIES DONT WRAP THEMSELFS, KINDA OBVIOUS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. YOUR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOTEM POLE, RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING THE BUTT UNDER WRAPS AND ITS A LONG CLIMB UP THE PICKING ORDER TO BE BOSS OF THE THE BOOBS (HOW FUCKING KYLE GOT THAT JOB NOBODY KNOWS!!!!! !). SO YOU GOT THE HELL OUTA THERE – WANDERING AROUND THE PYRAMIDS TOUGHT YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT CREEPING AROUND WEIRD PLACES AND YOU MADE OFF WITH SOME GOODIES ON YOUR WAY OUT. THE MUMMY GOT OFF A CURSE ON YOU AND NOW YOUR IN TROIKA WHICH IS NOT GREAT BUT ALSO NOT BAD AS FAR AS MUMMY CURSES GO, BUT SHE’S PROBABLY NEVER STOP LOOKING FOR YOU.

POSSESSIONS
– COLORFUL COLOR OF SKIN
– LOTS OF BANDAGES
– SISSORS
– A SMALL GOLD ITEM WORTH A LOT (CURSES THE NEXT PRESON YOU GIVE IT TO)
– SMALL POUCH FILLED WITH SALT

SKILS
4 AWARENESS
3 HEALING
3 ROPE TRICKS
2 SNEAKING
CLIMB 2
2 SISSORS FIGHTING
1 SLIGHT OF HANDS

ROPE TRICK: YOU CAN DO MORE THAN JUST TIE YOUR SHOES, YOUCAN MAKE A LASSO, FOOL PEOPLE WITH KNOTS, AND OTHER THINGS I CANT THINK OF THAT ARE ROPE-BASED. (FOR THE MUMMY GUY, THOSE LONG BANDAGES ARE KINDA LIKE ROPES)

SISSORS: LIKE KNIFE, BUT MIGHTY BLOW DOESNT DO DOUBLE DAMAGE INSTEAD IT CUTS A STRAP SO THE ENEMY ARMOR FALLS APART OR THERE BACKPACK FALLS OFF, OR YOU CUT THERE HAIR AND THERE SPECIAL POWER IS NOW GONE

CLEANER OF THE PUTRESCENT PITS
WHY ARE PEOPLE AWLAYS THROWING BODIES IN THESE PITS? ITS GROSS ENOUGH IN HERE ALREADY. THEY SAID TO YOU “HEY JOIN THE CULT IT’LL BE COOL, THE LURKERS A NICE GUY AND THIS OPERATION HAS REAL ROOM TO GROW.” THEN THEY HANDEDY OU A MOP AND BUCKET AND SAID GET TO WORK.’ YOU LEARNED SOME PRETTY WIERD SKILLS BUT AFTER A COUPLE MISADVENTURE WITH THE PENDANT FUNGUS YOU HAD ENOUGH AND JUMPED IN THE NEAREST MEASURLESS VOID. NOW YOUR IN TROIKA AND GUESS WHAT? IT SMELLS WORSE THAN THE PRIMAL GLOB! SHIIIIIIIIIT….

POSSESSIONS
– SKIN COLOR (WEIRD)
– MOP (CAN BE WEILDED AS A STAFF
– BUCKET (CAN BE WORN AS A HELMET OR SIT IN)
– BIO HAZARD SUIT
–

SKILLS
3 ACROBATICS
3 POISON
3 STRENGTH
3 STAFF FIGHTING
1 SPELL – CONE OF AIR

OKAY IA DMIT, NOT MUCH HERE WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMITTING BUT I’M RUSTY GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 I HAVE NEXT IDEA OF SOME DINOSAURS, WORKING ON A CARCOSA ADVENTURE, AND I WILL NEVER GIVE UP THE DREAM OF WRITING WRESTLING COMBAT RULES.

OKAY QEUSTIONS FOR THE ENCOUNTER CRITICAL CROWD

1. IS POSSIBLE IT A DM IS NOT A SCINETIST CAN RUN THIS GAME???!??!? THE GAME IS FULL OF SCINETIFIC REALISM, CAN A NOT-SCINETIST RUN THIS OR DOES A DECREE IN PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY, OR SCINCE NEEDED?? I DON’T WANT TO GET INTO SOMETHING I CANNOT HANDLE AND MY DECREE IN HOTEL MANAGMT. MIGHT NOT BE ENOUGH…..

HERE IS MY AUDITION. SCINETIFIC REALISM IN A GAME MEANS USING THE W REAL WORLD FOR PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS, AND SPACE MONSTERS……… SO HEAR IS A LIST OF REAL PEOPLE TO MAKE NPCS FOR FOR MY ENCOUNTER CRITICAL GAME, TELL ME IF THIS IS SCINCETIFIC ENOUGH:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

ATILLA HUN

EINSTEIN

WARMASTER HORUS

CONAN

JOHN CLAUDE VANDAM

KING CONAN

TOM SELLICK

THE MUMMY

YOUNG CONAN

2. WHERE DID THE ALL THE EPISODES OF PHASIC MAGAZINE GO TO? I FOUND NUMBER 5 ONLY, WHERE IS THOSE OTHERS?????/

2. LSO WHAT DOES %MINUS MEAN FOR RANGE WEPONS??

WHAT IS DID CANN OT BE UNDONE

IM GOING TO START PLAY ENCOUNTER CRITICLE. I THINK TO ADD:

• GOBLIN PLAYER PC
• CHNAGE WOOKY TO WHITE APEMAN
• CHANGE LIZARD MENS TO DEEP ONES
• ADD BONE MEN (I SAW SOMEONE A BONE MAN PC DID ONLINE BUT I LOST, WHERE IS IT????
• SPACE SHIPS
• DANMATION RASCALS
• CARCOSA
• ??????
• WRESLING RULES
• IS THERE A BARBRARIAN ?

I GOT THIS DANDD#5 HERE, I DONT WANT TO PLAY BUT I WILL STEAAL SOME

IDEAS, ESPECALY THE BACKGROUNDS.

 

YOU CANNOT TALK ME OUT OF THIS SO DONT EVEN MAKE A TRY OF IT. WHATS DONE IS DONE.

THE TITEL IS WHY FEAR DEATH WHEN YOU CANBE DEATH??

I THINK THE NEW D &D IS SOON COME SOON AND THEIR IS SOME SCAIRT PLAYERS HERE. WHAT IS DEATH? HOW CAN I NOT GET IT? THESE ARE QESTIONS ASK SINCE THE DON OFTIME……………………….WHO HAS THE ANSWERS???!!?!!1?!??

NO ONE HAS THE ANSERS OF DEATH FOR REAL WORLD EXCEPT THE UNDERTAKER AND PAUL BEARER, BUT I THINK I HAVE

THE ANSER OF DEATH FOR THE D & D WORLD, INCLUDING GRAYHAWK AND MSYTARA (BUT NOT KRYNN). THIS IS BECAUE MY PLAYERS HAVE AN EXTRA STAT —

WHERES THE FOOD

D&D PLAY IS A HUNGRY TIME– LOTS OF HOURS AND THE TUMMY MAKES A GRUMBLE, AND WHEN THE TUMMY GRUMBLES THE MOUTH GRUMBLES TO AND ANGRY WORDS COME OUT. THE  DM WORDS ARE USUAL “OOOPS YOU WALK INTO A INVISIBLE CLOUD OF POYSON AND THERE IS NO SAVING THROW, GOODBYE IM GOING TO TACO BELL.” GAME OBVER, BRO. ALL BECAUSE I GOT HUNGRY AND NO ONE HOOKED ME UP.

SO MY PLAYERS NOW TO BRING ME FOOD AND I GRADE THE FOOD AND THAT IS THEIR CHARACTER SCORE OF (W)HERES (T)HE (FOOD. A ROUGH IDEA IS THIS:

FOOD                                                   ABILITY SCORE WTF                                                PREVINT DEATH BONUS

FUNYUNS                                                          0                                                                              FUCK OFF FROM MY FACE

8 OZ. BAG PRETZEL                                        3                                                                               YOU HAVE 1HP AND ARE IMUNE TO HEALING

HOTDOG WITH NO TOPPINGS                    4                                                                          ALL HITS OF YOU ARE CRITICAL

MCDONOLDS                                                    5-8                                                                           IF TARGET IS RANDOM TARGET IS ALWAYS YOU

DEL TACO, OR PIZZA                                 9-12                                                                         NOTHING, TRY HARDER

6+ THINGS FROM AM/PM                         13-16                                                                                      ROLL SAVES TWICE AND TAKE THE WON YOU WANT

PORK PAD SEE YOU OR A BOCKS FULL OF COSTCO STUFF     17                           YOU HAVE ALL TROLL POWERS

LARGE BAG OF TACOBELL HOLDING    18                                                                    10 FATE POINTS LIKE IN WARHAMMER

SO A TIPICAL PLAYER MIGHT BE:

• STR 17
• INT 8
• WIS 13
• DEX 16
• DEX 15
• CHA 17 (HANSOME DEVIL!!!!
• WTF 4

AT FIRST SITE YOU GO “HMMM THIS GUY IS A TOUGHIE AND SOME FASES IN THE DUNGEON WILL GET STABBED!!!” BUT TAKE A CLOSER LOOK…….. SOMETHING NOT LOOKS TO GOOD…….. DO…… YOU SEE WHAT I’M AM TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!? THATS RIGHT THIS GUYS WHERES THE FOOD STAT IS TERRIBLE!! THATS LIKE A 7-11 BURRITO OR SOMETHING. IN KEEP ON THE BORTERLAND THIS IS THE GUY HOW FALLS INTO THE KOBOLD PIT AND NEVER COMES BACK OUT.

NOW LET A DEMONSTRASION OF CONTRAST HERE:

• STR 6
• INT 7
• WIS 11
• DEX 9
• CON 4
• CHA 12
• WTF 18

DOES THESE ROLES OF STATS LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU? IF THEY DUE PROBABLY YOU ROLLED THEN AND SAID “FUCK YOU DICE!!” AND SOME DICE GOT THROWED ACROSSED THE ROOM (I HAVE DESTROYED SEVERAL DICE THIS WAY 😦 ) BUT WAIT A SECOND…………. A CLOSER LOOK SAYS THIS GUY WILL CUT THREW THE DUNGEON LIKE A TORNADO GUN. WHERES THE FOOD = 18 JACKPOT!!!!! HOMEBOY BROUGHT TACO BELL 12-PAK + BOX OF SLIM JIMS FROM COSTCO + 2 LITRE BUDWEISER CLAMATO!!!!!!! IN KEEP ON THE BORDELAND THIS IS THE GUY WHO UNTES THE THE CAVES OF CHAOS AND BURNS THE KEEP DOWN TO THE GROUND AFTER STEAL ALL THE JEWLES AND TRESURE.

SO IF DEATH MAKES YOU PEEPANTS JUST REMEMEBR………… “HMMM I WILL STOP AT TACO BELL BEFORE THE GAME AND NOW I AM A GOD!!!!1”

THANKYUO FOR BRING ING FAT BURGER EXECUSIONER!!!!

NO FOOD?? EXECUSIONER YOU WANT OPEN CASKIT OR CLOSE…….??

TESTING —- IS TESTING ONE TOO 3

DOES THIS WROK???!? A LONG TIME GONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN CYPERSPACE NOONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM!

OKAY A QUICK CHECK IN TO GET SOME JUISCES FLOWING…………………………… THE THINGS I M WORKING ON TO BRING FOR YOU:

1. BRAWLING RULES — THIS WILL NEVER HAPPIN, THE IDEAS ARE SO MANY AND THE EXECUTION IS TOO STUPID, BUT MAYBE TO WRITE IT HEAR IS TOO MAKE IT HAPPIN SOMEDAY

2. SMALL CARCOSA ADVENTURE — ANOTHER GOOD IDEA BUT CAN IT BE PULLED OFF (IN WORDS)???? I THINK SO, I THINK SO…. PROBABLY (HOPEFLULY) THIS WILL BE THE NEXT THING YOU SEE HERE AND NOT IN A YEAR OR TOO BUT IN A NEXT WEEK.

3. A MESSAGE TO D

AND D NEXT PLAYERS: WELCOME ABORD AND HOPE YOU ENJOY, SOME TIPS FOR PLAYING WITH A LITTLE OLD SCHOOL FLAVER

4. MORE CARCOSA. WHAT THE HELL IS AROUND HERE?!?!? I NEED MORE CARSOCA DONT MAKE ME DO IT ALL MYSELF, THE RESULT IS TOO MUCH SHITTY STUFF AND NOT ENOUHG OF THE GOOD STUFF. IM TALKING TO YOU (REEDER) AND YOU (ANOTHER REEDER) AND YOU (ME). ME???

5. MOVIE REVIEWS. I STOLE A PASSWORD NETFLICKS FROM MY CARE-GIVER AND NOW I HAVE SEEN SOME CRAZY SHIT!!!!!! MY CHANCE TO TALK OF THEM IS HEAR.

6. CONAN

FEELS GOOD TOO TYPE THIS KEYBBORD, LET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

WHAT THE HELL DRUID/??? PART 2

WHY ARE THE DRUIDSS TUPID? IDONT NOW WHEN ITS HAPPENED BUT MAYBE A FEW YEAR S AGO LIKE 1980 OR 1978 OR 19992(THOSE ARE ALL YEARS). I THINK YOU AKS SOMEONE D&D TODAY “HEY HWAT IS A DRUID!?’ AND A ANSER IS EVERY TIME “A SMELLY HIPPY WHO IS SELL GRILLCHEEESE SANWITCHS AND MAKE TINY CRUTCHES FOR A WOUNDED FEILD MOUSE.””

NOW WAIT A GOD-DAM MINITE………….THATS IS NOT MYDRUID!!

HOW ISAHAPPEN??????!? PROLBALY FROM THE DUMB IDEAS OF A PLAYERS HAND BOOK.LETS A LOOK HAVE AT THE STUPID DRUID OR “STUPID.”:

• RACIALS (PAGE.14): A ½ ELF CAN BE THE TOP GUY. WHO WANTS TOBE A ONE-HALF-ELF?? EVERYONE NOWS A ½ ELF ISTHE DUMBIST RACE OF D&D. WHICH HALF IS ELF —– TOP OR BOTTOM??? A SCRAWNY ELF TOP ON A HUMAN BOTTOM LOOKS RIDI

1. RIDICOLOUS. A HUMAN TOP ½ ON TINY ELF LEGS WOULDFALL OVER ON ONE FASEPUNCH. ONLY A DRINGUS IS A 1/2ELF. A CENTAR MAKES SENSE BUT A ONE1/2 ELF????????????????????????

• SHITTY LEVEL NAMES (P.21): A 1ST LVL IS CALL ASPIRIN. A 2 LVL IS CALLED A OVARY. THEN THEY JUST GIVE UPON FIND COOLNAMES. WTF????
• SHITTY POWERS: A DRUID P(P.21)OWERS ARE SHITTY. AT 3RD LEVELTHEY BECOME ABLE TOIDENTIFY WHAT IS WATER AND ALSO TO WALK THROUGH BUSHES. WHOOPIE-FUCKING-DOO.
• THESE ARE SPELLS??: (P. ): WHEN THE DRUIDCASTSA SPELL USUALLY THE MAGICLE EFFECT IS LAUGHING AT THE SHITTY SPELL IS CAST. FARRY FIRE? LOCATE AMINAL? WHEN THEY IS TURN 6TH LEVEL THEY GET THE SPELL PRODUCE FIRE WHICH DOES……………….1D4 HP DAMAGE????!?

NO OFFENCING MY FEMALE LISTINERS,BUT THAT DRUID IS A PUSSY. I WANT TO PLAY A SHITKICKER ,NOT A PRIESTESSOF SHALLYA. MY DRUIDS BURN DOWN CAR DEALERSHIPS AND DESTROY ENTIRE FORREST JUST TO REVENGE ONE POACHER. I DONT HAVE ANY RULES YET BUT THESE ARE MY IDEA OF DRUIDS:

JEREMIAH JOHNSON. NO EXPLINATION NEED.

RAMBO. FROM RAMBO FIRST MOVIE. MAKE SPEAR FROM TREE BRANCH? DONE. MAKE KNIFEFROM SHARP STONE? CHECK. MAKE BOMB FROM PINECONE? NOT A PROBLEM. GET THE FUCK OUT MY OF FORREST.

POISON IVY. A HOT CHICK IS NEEDED. THIS HOT CHICK JUST HAPPINS TO BE MADE OF PLANTS. WELCOME TO THE CLUB, BABY.

CRYING INDIAN GUY. THEY THREW MCDONALDS ON HIS FORREST AND NOW THEY MUST [PAY. THE CRY WILL BE SHORT, THE SCREAMS OF THEY DEATH WILL LINGER.

FIGHT CLUB GUYS. THE ONE THING ISCOOLFROM D&D DRUID IS YOU DONT GET A FREE PASS TO BE THE TOP GUY, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT CLUB THE LEADER. “EVERYONE GET IN A CIRCLE THERE IS A ARCHDRUID CHALLENGE!!!’ I THINK THEY SHOULD BE TIE TOGETHER AT THE WRIST AND NAKED (NUDE OF CLOTHS) AND HAVE ONLY A SHARD OF ANTLER FOR A WEAPON AND THEN IT’S TO THE DEATH. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!! AND THE CIRCLE CHEERS THE WINNER GUY AND THEN THEY EAT THE LOSER.

LEANNE NEESON. NO EXPLINATION NEED.

I THINK PROBALY THIS MEAN FORME MAKE ANEW CLASS OF D&D DRUID, I WILL WORKED ON IT.

CARCOSA RACES: DOLM

(I DONT KNOW WHAT DOLM LOOKS LIKE SO HERE IS A DRAW OF CONAN). DOLM DUDES WANDER THE PLACE TRY TO PEACE TOGETHERT HE LOST LEARNING AND REUBUILT A CIVILAZATION OF GOOD. THEY KNOW A LOT OF EVERYTHING AND THEY ARE PEACEFUL PEOPLE WHICH MEANS THEY GET A PASS FROM MOST EVERY ONE ELSE, EXCEPT FOR TOTAL DICKS. AND MOST SORCERERS LOVE TO FUCK WITH THEM.

QUALIFY: LAWFUL ALIGN, 12 INT, 12 WIS

XP                                         LEVEL                                        HD

0                                           1 NERD                                        1

1700                                  2 BOOKWORM                           2

3200                                  3 [POLLYANNA                       2+1

6800                                  4 MARTAR                                 3

12000                                5 DOGOODER                             4

24000                               6 HELPER                                   4+1

48000                               7 PROGRESIVE                         5

90000                               8 KINDA ANNOYING            6

180000                            9 LEIBOWITS                              6+1

SAVES: LIKE A CLERIC

STRICTIONS: NO HEAVY ARMOR, GOOD ATITUDE ALL THE TIME

EACH EVENS LEVEL OF YOU GET A NEW POWER YOU MAY CHOOSE:

MAKE THE WORLD A BETTRPLACE: EVERY TIME YOU VISIT A NEW COMMUNITY FOR THE FIRST TIME YOU CAN MAKE SOMETHING BETTER ON A 1D10 ROLL UNDER YOUR LEVEL: FIX THE WATER SO YOU DONT SHIT POOP OUT YOUR BUTT NON-STOP FROM DRINKING, TEACH CROP ROTAITION, LEARN THEM HOW TO PRESERVE JAMS & JELLIES, OR WHATEVER. THIS MAKES YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS PRETTY POPULAR WITH THOSE FOLKS, AND THEN YOU AND YOUR DM FIGURE OUT HOW THAT WORKS IN THE GAME. IF YOU FALE YOUR ROLL AND CAN NOT HELP ERVREYBODY IS ALL “THANKS FOR NOTHING??!” AND SOME SNOTTY LOOKS ARE FOR YOU.

WORLSD TRAVELLER: GET A NEW LANGUAGE. CHOSE MORE T HAN ONCE.

FRENDLY: +1 CHA BECAUSE YOU RELATE TO OTHER PERSPRECTIVES. TAKE IT AGAIN IF YOU WANT, FRENDLY PERSON!

NEVER SICK: GOOD HIGENES + SMART GUY DOCTOR KNOWHOW MEANS NO SICKIES FOR YOU!! EVEN GOOD VS. MUMMYSHITS AND DISEASED GUARDIEN PUKING.

CARCOSA CLERIC: TEND TO SOMEONE IF THEY ARE RESTING AND EACH DAY THEY HEAL 1HD EACH DAY YOU ROLL UNDER LEVEL ON 1D10. CAN ONLY HEAL 2HD PER WEEK PER BUDDY THIS WAY. YOU DON’T GET NO REST WHILE YOU DO THIS, SO NO HEALS FOR YOU. AND YOU SHOULD FIND THE PORPER SUPPLIES TO DO (SMELLY WEEDS, CLEAN WATER, CLAP HANDS AND RUB FAST LIKE MIYAGI, SOME MORE.)

A NEW WORLD: START A SETTALMENT AT LEVEL 6 IF YOU WANT. ATTRACT 1D6 NICE PEOPLE PER CHA POINT, ALL COLORS OF THE RAINBOW CO-ALITION FLOCKT TO YOUR COMMMNUNITY: ADD ANOTHER 1D12 PEEPS IF YOU ALOW GAYS FOR MARRYING: LOOK AT THE PORFESSION LIST FROM ANY FANTASY GAME AND CHOOSE 1D6 HELPFUL ONES, EVERYONES ELSE IS JUST A MUSHROOM FARMER, PUDDING HERDER, OR SCRAP COLLECTER. WORK THE REST OUT WITH DM, A GOOD HOMEBASE?TRY TO MAKE A NEW WOLDR.THE DOWNSIDE: THESE PLACES ARE A ASSHOLE MAGNET, YOUR HAPPY PLACE IN #1 ON THE LIST FOR TOTAL DICKS TO BEGIN THE CAMPAINE OF BLOODSHED, SO HIRE SOME MERCS OR HAVE SOME GUNS READY.

DR DOOLITLE: YOU TOOKED PITY ON A LITTLE INJURED SPAWN OF SHUB-ZIGGURAT, YOUR TENDER HEALING TURNED IT FROM BAD TO GOOD. NOW ITS YOUR PET. GENERATE RANDOM EXCEPT ITS SMALL, ONLY 1D3HD. BETTER NOT LET THE TOWNIES SEE IT, THEY WO’NT UNDERSTAND………….

STUDY BRAKE: IN YOUR TRAVELS YOU HAVE LEARNT OF SECRET PLACES FROM TOMES OF KNOWING: ROLL A RANDOM CITADEAL ON THE CARCOSA MAP, YOU KNOW HOW TO GET IN SECRET IN THERE.

GOOD KARMA: YOU HELPED SOMEONS LITTLE SIS/TER OUT OF

A TOUGH SCRAPE, THE PAYBACK IS THE FAMILY WANTS TO HELP YOU BACK. ROLL A RANDOM VILLAGE ON THE CARCOSA MAP, THAT VILLAGE WILL DOSOM E COOL STUFF FOR YOU.

EAR TO THEFLOOR: YOU GET THE BEST RUMERS, ON THE ADVENTURE BUST OUT ONE BONUS: KEY TO A LOCK DOOR, GET A AMBUSH ON A WANDERING MONSTER, FIND THE NEXT SECRET DOOR, GET A FREND REACTION FROM SOME HOSTILES, OR FIGURE OUT SOME MORE.

TEACHER: YOU ATTRAC A YOUNG SAGE-IN-TRAINING, JUST KEEP HER FED AND SHE HELPS OUT CARRY STUFF, ONE AREA OF EXPERTISSE, UNLIKLY CURAGE WHEN NEEDED MOST.

ARCADE KNOWLIDGE: YOU NOW SOME WEIRD SHIT. STUN 1D ROUNDS A GREAT RACE, PRIMONIAL ONE, OR SPACE ALIEN WITH YOUR UNEXPECTED NOWHOW (A HUMAN KNOWS THIS WTF??????!!??!? IS THE REACTION, THEN A QUIETTIME TO THINK “HOW IS THIS SO??’). WORKS ONLY ONE TIME ON A TARGITS, NOT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ANDOVER & OVER AN

D OVER………………………… AND OVER AND OVER…………………